Bluer than Blue

There is a kind of pain inside of me that seems to visit like an old friend. Unwanted but present. And on those rare occasions I often welcome it with defeated spirit.

There is a certain kind of pain inside me that depletes my ability to strive and thrive, it diminishes my ego and somehow gives me the strong desire to be alone. And sleep. And shed a tear. Or two.

And usually this happens when my natal day is fast approaching.

It started a few years ago. When I started pretending I was drinking wine while I poured water in a wine goblet.

You see, I used to drink a lot in my teens. And even after that. So I made a whole lot of crazy decisions and one of those is to set aside my own dream so I can be with friends. So I can make them happy. So I can be the life of that party. Until that party became a party of one. Me. Alone. When everyone else moved along chasing their dreams. While I was left out standing in the cold. Wondering where I went wrong. Or what wrong move I chose for me to be on that specific situation.

I was in a state of denial. I was anxious with what life has to offer. I was stressed and scared that I will be the Loser everyone predicted I will be. So I worked. But working and earning money did not fill that void. Then I went back to school. Where I thrived and drank. Yes, I still drank. To drown the sorrow and pain of the years I wasted having fun. But boy, did those experience made me feel invincible! I juggled my studies and my drinking. I graduated with Honors when I got my Bachelor’s Degree. That was the beginning of a promising career.

Or so I thought.

College gives you the illusion of greatness. That stinking smell of hope. That somehow died down when looking for a job was more tedious than school. You see, while I was doing great at school I was offered a job on a Cruise Line. A job that was offered to only 3 person out of 60 who interviewed. But I made a choice and the choice was to graduate first because taking the job meant I will miss classes and leave school for at least 9 months. So I was hoping getting the job I wanted will be easy since I was offered a job as an undergrad.

But I was wrong. It took me some time to get a job (that I love) right after graduation. Then I settled. Which is the worst thing that you can ever do. To settle. I had the worst time in 🇨🇾 . But I never lost hope. I felt that the Cyprus experience may not have brought me to a realization of what I wanted to do in life but it surely opened my eyes to what I do not want to do in life. So I went home to the 🇵🇭.

I worked odd jobs. Like tutoring Korean kids while I was looking for the job I really wanted. Special thanks to BB for introducing me to that job because that job gave me enough money to start a small business which added to my “business skills” which I hope to acquire in no timely manner. 🤦🏻‍♀️

While waiting for my contract from Carnival Cruise I was offered a job in 🇦🇪 and I took it outrightly. Because it gave me butterflies in my tummy, it scared me but it also excites me. So I grabbed that opportunity. And off I went to Dubai.

My first 6 months from the job was miserable. My roommate from 🇷🇴 was a handful, my boss from 🇯🇴 was a douche and some of my co-workers when I was new were asswipes. But I stuck it out and suck it up and eventually, all of the people I hate left. Whether they were terminated or moved on to another job, I had a good run after they left.

The rest, cliche as it may sound is history.

Everything happens for a reason. So they say. All I need is to motivate myself. So for now, let me wallow. Let me feel that stench of losing so I can rise from the ashes of my failure. Let me weep, let me mope, let me whine. After all, I am merely building my momentum. 🙌🏼

I will persist until I succeed.

Xx

(Blue dress by , Bailey’s Zara slip-on, Gucci sunglasses)